Wednesday, February 1, 2006

New Food Categories

I am officially changing the way I view food; It needs to make more sense than it already does, so I've developed the four new food groups.

1. Meat:

Meat is anything that tastes too good to not be classified as Meat.

2. Bread:

Bread is anything that is not as good as meat, but tastes better than vegetables.

3. Vegetables:

Vegetables are the lowest form of food that something can be while still being food.

4. Consumable:

Consumables are things that you can eat, but are definitely not food.

Using this system, you have to re-classify certain foods. Cheese for example, is definitely meat, there is no way that cheese should be in a different category since it is so good.
Potatoes could be classified anywhere between meat and vegetable based on how they are prepared (For example: Steamed potatoes with no salt would be a vegetable, garlic mashed potatoes are bread and curly fries are meat).

Potatoes can be a consumable if they are rotten enough, or are smothered in some consumable.

Okra, is not a food, it is alien eggs and nobody should eat it. Okra is a perfect example of a consumable along with bees, sheetrock and feces.

I realize that it is morally wrong to list consumables as a food group since they are, in fact, not food; However, I feel that I have no choice but to list consumables as a food group so that I can more easily make the connections between what can and cannot be eaten. I accept full responsibility for this action on behalf of everyone else that I am making things better for and hope that everyone can eventually forgive me for doing it.

In accordance with this change, I am changing my beverage categories as well.

1. Alcoholic:

Any beverage with alcohol in it.

2. Water:

Everything else.

The categories are pretty simple in this one, there is an exception however, and that is tequila. Tequila is not alcohol and it is not water, nobody should drink it.

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